The Life That I Live
A fictional story
By
Jessica Singleton
If there was an apology that could cloak it.
Then maybe there would not be this empty
darkness that shadows in the lines that draw me.
From
The Hate That it Brings
By;
Jessica Singleton
October parked his car. He was looking at the red roses in the passenger seat next to him already. That is why he almost went over the curb. He backed his car up and he turned off the ignition. The radio had not been on. He had been listening to a CD again. Anything to drown out the outside world. Crystal Ship by The Doors had been the song of the day. He took off his seat belt and he just sat there in the driver's seat. It is hard to make yourself do something that you honestly do not want to do. It took him two hours to dress for this today. He just kept sitting in his robe and reading the newspaper. Nothing was good about this. Nothing that could make it easy to deal with. He had not been this nervous since his first date with Rachel. She loved red roses. She lit up every time that she saw them. He could remember her smile and her perfume like she was the one sitting in passenger seat rather then the flowers, that he had bought for her. He started to move things around in the car. Like a gum wrapper now should be cleaned up. And his CD's now and only now needed to be organized. He did not even notice that he had been finding things to do in his car, until he heard the other door close. There was someone else in the parking lot. He was not alone. He looked in his mirror. It was some old man and his wife come to the same place. They must have been a couple too. They were holding hands. He looked down into his own lap. His heart had already dropped there. It hurt so bad inside and it was not getting better. He started to cry. He could not remember crying that hard since .... Somethings are better forgotten. He finally remembered how to breathe and he got out of the car. He got the roses. It was fall outside. The sky was a soft grey color. It looked like rain. The leaves had all disappeared and now the world was a snob glob without the snow. The world had turned to the color of the tombs that housed the dead. A stone bird bath sat at the gate. Red Robins were drinking from it. He looked down at the roses. The birds and the flowers stuck out against the grey. He walked the sidewalk, until he made it to Rachel. Then he bent down to put the flowers in the vase. His bones were not broken. But when he bowed before his dead wife's grave, he gave out. Like rusted time, bent to death. And he fell apart. Nothing could undo this. This was set in stone. He knew that time was hard to want to pay attention to but this moment would not be forgotten. There was no way to forget this horrible pain. No matter how much he could stomach in wine and beer. That is when he noticed that the air was colder. So much so that he could see his own breath. His tears turned to snow. When he looked up the world was covered in a blanket of snow. It looked like a coconut winter. It was actually kind of pretty but how could that be? Then he felt something breathe on the back of his neck. Was this heaven? Did she come to take him with her to the thrown of God.? He turned slowly and said " Rachel " under his breath. But when he turned around he saw a white wolf. It was not that big of a dog. It was not a puppy though. The dog just sat there looking at him with this blank expression. October let out a breath. He must be dreaming. So he smiled at the beautiful white dog. That is when the wolf opened his mouth and the dog bit with his K9's into October's face. Which brought October's nose into his forehead. Blood was everywhere. That is when October woke up.
His alarm went off and he had rolled off the bed while tossing and turning. He got up and he went to work. After work he went to the Y to volunteer for the big brother program. He was partnered with a child named Mikey. Mikey had cancer. So most of the hanging out was just for moral support cause Mikey's parents had to work. So he was left alone to die in a hospital bed by himself. October would read him comics and watch TV with Mikey. Mikey was 12 years old. It was hard to watch someone die slowly after what had happened to Rachel. Within 2 months Mikey was gone. The center set October up with a new kid. This one was named Tyk. Tyk was his little brother until the end of the week. The center called October on the phone. They told him how Tyk was hit by a car. He was an inner city kid and he ran out into the road after school. The driver of the car did not see him and the driver hit Tyk. That was that but it made October want to drink. He went into his kitchen and he poured himself a glass of red wine. He drank it in two big gulps. Then he filled the glass to the brim and he repeated the instructions until he wanted to sleep. The next day he went into his weekly therapy session with his doctor. Dr. Toast was a tall man. He was just there to put in his eight hours. When October got done talking to him. Dr. Toast told him the best advice possible.
" You have been through a lot. You lost your wife less then 3 years ago. You are under a lot of stress and pain. You are not going to get over that kind of thing in 3 years. Then you go through one death right after another one. Those were not your fault. The best thing for you, is to not see the memories that you and Rachel shared to no end. Move and move on. "
So October put his house on the market and it sold fast. He moved all his stuff into storage. Then he bought a new house in a new town. He actually would not allow himself to look at anything that would bring back her memory. He even bought all new furniture. That worked for a while. Two long months. Then he could feel it all as though it never went away. He called the first therapist that he could find in the phone book.
The doctor stepped out of her office and she shook October's hand. She let him in her office. He told her his story. She sat and she listened but she did not say anything. She wrote something on a notebook from time to time.
" I am sorry for your loss. Can you talk more about your wife. "
October spoke for ten minutes. Then Dr. Orphan opened her mouth.
" I noticed something about you just now. I ask you to talk about your wife. I can see that you love her but you in all this time YOU have not called her by her name when you talk of her. You just keep avoiding her name. Everything in your life brings you back to her. I wonder why? Do you feel guilt about something that you're not telling me about? "
" No I mean I never did anything wrong. "
" No I'm not accusing you of anything. Guilt can be about the loss or sometimes it can actually be about WHAT WAS left unspoken. Was there something that needed to be finished? Maybe you never told her that you loved her?
" No. I mean I said I love you to Rach all the time. I loved her so much. I just... "
" You just ... What ? "
" I wish that . I mean to say I sometimes wish that I could have prevented her death ? "
" Were you there when she died ? "
" No but I should have been. "
" If you would have been there, then you'd be dead to. You do not want to die do you? "
October looked down at his shoes and tears welled up in his eyes.
" I do not want to die. I am not suicidal. I do not need to be locked up. But the pain is so bad. It is hard to go on when you lose your family. I have thought about dying a few times before. It seems like there is not much left to live for. "
" Yes there is . You just have to find it. You will not heal in two days. For every person it is different. It could take you years. You are not odd. I talk to a lot of people who deal with loss. It is hard for everyone. That is why they call it loss. Something that you lost, that you'll never get back. You cannot replace it. "
" Thanks. I do not know."
When October left Dr. Orphan's office he went home. Orphan did not believe his story. Something about it seemed off. So she googled the car wreck that he told her about. It was real. There was only one thing that he forgot to mention. The death of his daughter, Violet. Violet was 7 years old. So the next time October came into her office, she told him that the best thing that he could do for himself, was to go through all of their old things sober. To look at each one of those boxed up things that he never touched. To write each item down on a piece of paper. So he went home and he did that. He found Violet's birth certificate first. That is when the memories came back. She was dying of cancer. His wife was driving Violet to the hospital and they died in a car wreck. The day he went to identify the bodies, there were red robins all over the road and his wife was covered in blood. The red roses that he'd bought her for her birthday were still in his car.
Orphan helped October and he got his life back.
THE END
