I'm a fan of hers. She amazes me. Im sleepy again. Sometimes you cannot say what you want to say.
Like it's genocide.
I may not be a soldier but life feels like a war these days.
I hate the way I'm treated.
I never knew what it felt like to hate another person before.
I think I understand.
Words to make me feel
Not so alone
" I live on dread- to those who know. " - Emily Dickinson
" Hope is the thing with wings that perches in the soul. Could abash the little bird that kept so many warm. "- E.D
" My wars are laid away in books. " - E.D
" Pain has an element of blank. " - E.D
" Deprived of other banquet, I entertained myself. " - E.D
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Prime time
I don't give reservations out.
I do Not run a business at dating.
I don't meet people much.
I cannot imagine how I would meet anyone.
But if I am done with someone then I don't lead them on.
I would say something.
D is welcome when he has time.
As long as he is not the walking plague.
But now I'm alone.
There really is no relationship in my life.
I'm not happy today.
I really can do what I want with dating but I still don't see anyone.
I'm not interested in online long distance at this time.
I do Not run a business at dating.
I don't meet people much.
I cannot imagine how I would meet anyone.
But if I am done with someone then I don't lead them on.
I would say something.
D is welcome when he has time.
As long as he is not the walking plague.
But now I'm alone.
There really is no relationship in my life.
I'm not happy today.
I really can do what I want with dating but I still don't see anyone.
I'm not interested in online long distance at this time.
Thanksgiving alone at my house in Dewey
I did not see any human life today.
I have been sleeping odd hours.
I sleep mostly at day anymore.
I stay awake at night.
I am stressed out.
I was going to go see mac the dog today
But I changed my mind.
Joann and David are at the casino.
I don't know who they are in real life?
I mean to say
I don't know who they spent
Thanksgiving with today
but it was NOT me.
I have been alone all day.
I ate chicken, stuffing, pineapple and cottage cheese.
I feel healthy but I'm stressed out.
I'm alone.
No problem.
Happy thanksgiving to everyone 🦃🦉🍁🕯☕️
Here is something
It rains inside when you shut the windows.
P.S. The last time I knew of-
I never had sex with my parents.
In fact I never wanted to.
My family tree forks .
Literally all over the globe...,
So don't assume I'm retarded because I collect toys.
I'm not the one hugging everyone like Barney
I have been sleeping odd hours.
I sleep mostly at day anymore.
I stay awake at night.
I am stressed out.
I was going to go see mac the dog today
But I changed my mind.
Joann and David are at the casino.
I don't know who they are in real life?
I mean to say
I don't know who they spent
Thanksgiving with today
but it was NOT me.
I have been alone all day.
I ate chicken, stuffing, pineapple and cottage cheese.
I feel healthy but I'm stressed out.
I'm alone.
No problem.
Happy thanksgiving to everyone 🦃🦉🍁🕯☕️
Here is something
It rains inside when you shut the windows.
P.S. The last time I knew of-
I never had sex with my parents.
In fact I never wanted to.
My family tree forks .
Literally all over the globe...,
So don't assume I'm retarded because I collect toys.
I'm not the one hugging everyone like Barney
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Line from a 45 inch delusion
" When you are loved, you do not mind being hurt. " - Margery Williams
I think when nothing fits right and you are alone most of your life, I think you have an easier time contemplating things. Maybe you just need to figure out the problem because you just don't understand the world around you.
I bought a house a few months ago. I threw myself into unpacking and getting settled in. Not just to feel at home as though I had one.
But
I have been keeping my mind busy for a long time.
Something happened to me years before.
Something that ripped my life in pieces.
I think no one can understand that feeling.
They can read about it but until you experience it-
Well you'll never know.
The first night in the new place-
I put on a David Gilmour album and I soaked in a hot bath.
The pain inside made my body feel like a rusted staircase.
I just fell apart in that water.
It was unbelievable how much agony I kept locked inside of myself.
My tears could have been paid an artist wages for making stain glass windows out of the doors to my soul.
A line from David's 45-
( A Boat Lies Waiting lyrics )
Could not have said it better.
" What I lost was an ocean. "
And I felt like Oliver Twist in that coffin of a tub.
Lost and surrounded by my own life that apparently never mattered much anyway.
Not that I ever paid much attention to the world around me.
It is odd how you cannot see yourself with anyone.
After you lose people that knew you for over 30 years-
Who do you really replace them with?
Concept of a wish-
Sounds great-
But unless you are insane-
Or you are a child-
You know the truth in the back of your head.
It's impossible to want anything when nothing looks good.
Everyone in the world looks like a sugar pill after a while.
Like a buffet line of medicated moments.
But not even enough to take the edge off.
What is the point?
I got used to being alone.
Besides every time I met someone new-
I could not have wanted them less.
I did not want to abuse them and at that point I would only become mean.
Because the more I suffered through them
The more I would make them suffer through my temper.
One day I went to the mall.
I wanted to go to the bookstore.
When I got to the book nook, I bumped into a man.
I would not have believed it if I was not right there.
I fell all over myself.
I have heard of love at first sight but I never believed it.
We started talking.
He invited me to a lecture he was giving at the community center.
He taught a class on history one night out of the week.
I went.
Within a few weeks I was dating him.
I asked him about the ring on his hand.
He did not want to talk about it.
That broke my heart more than seeing the ring on his finger.
It being there could be anything but him not wanting to talk about it
Well-
Apparently I did not matter.
I probably never did.
I did not see him after that for a few nights.
I assumed it was over.
I was thinking of a song by cream called white room because of the line
" she was the kindness in the hard crowd, felt my own need just beginning."
A few nights later I came home from the store.
There was a letter on my front steps.
In the envelope with the letter was a vintage skeleton key.
He knew I liked things like that.
In his letter he said he was married years ago but his wife died in a car wreck.
He could not deal with his own loss.
To completely move on would be to say to her memory that it was over.
Then he would have to say her death meant nothing.
He told me he loved me.
That I could have a key to his life that opened every part of himself.
" In a jigsaw dream with soft spoken words- I woke up crying and no one heard. " - cyndi lauper
The end
I think when nothing fits right and you are alone most of your life, I think you have an easier time contemplating things. Maybe you just need to figure out the problem because you just don't understand the world around you.
I bought a house a few months ago. I threw myself into unpacking and getting settled in. Not just to feel at home as though I had one.
But
I have been keeping my mind busy for a long time.
Something happened to me years before.
Something that ripped my life in pieces.
I think no one can understand that feeling.
They can read about it but until you experience it-
Well you'll never know.
The first night in the new place-
I put on a David Gilmour album and I soaked in a hot bath.
The pain inside made my body feel like a rusted staircase.
I just fell apart in that water.
It was unbelievable how much agony I kept locked inside of myself.
My tears could have been paid an artist wages for making stain glass windows out of the doors to my soul.
A line from David's 45-
( A Boat Lies Waiting lyrics )
Could not have said it better.
" What I lost was an ocean. "
And I felt like Oliver Twist in that coffin of a tub.
Lost and surrounded by my own life that apparently never mattered much anyway.
Not that I ever paid much attention to the world around me.
It is odd how you cannot see yourself with anyone.
After you lose people that knew you for over 30 years-
Who do you really replace them with?
Concept of a wish-
Sounds great-
But unless you are insane-
Or you are a child-
You know the truth in the back of your head.
It's impossible to want anything when nothing looks good.
Everyone in the world looks like a sugar pill after a while.
Like a buffet line of medicated moments.
But not even enough to take the edge off.
What is the point?
I got used to being alone.
Besides every time I met someone new-
I could not have wanted them less.
I did not want to abuse them and at that point I would only become mean.
Because the more I suffered through them
The more I would make them suffer through my temper.
One day I went to the mall.
I wanted to go to the bookstore.
When I got to the book nook, I bumped into a man.
I would not have believed it if I was not right there.
I fell all over myself.
I have heard of love at first sight but I never believed it.
We started talking.
He invited me to a lecture he was giving at the community center.
He taught a class on history one night out of the week.
I went.
Within a few weeks I was dating him.
I asked him about the ring on his hand.
He did not want to talk about it.
That broke my heart more than seeing the ring on his finger.
It being there could be anything but him not wanting to talk about it
Well-
Apparently I did not matter.
I probably never did.
I did not see him after that for a few nights.
I assumed it was over.
I was thinking of a song by cream called white room because of the line
" she was the kindness in the hard crowd, felt my own need just beginning."
A few nights later I came home from the store.
There was a letter on my front steps.
In the envelope with the letter was a vintage skeleton key.
He knew I liked things like that.
In his letter he said he was married years ago but his wife died in a car wreck.
He could not deal with his own loss.
To completely move on would be to say to her memory that it was over.
Then he would have to say her death meant nothing.
He told me he loved me.
That I could have a key to his life that opened every part of himself.
" In a jigsaw dream with soft spoken words- I woke up crying and no one heard. " - cyndi lauper
The end
Monday, November 13, 2017
That Asian thing is going to pop me off.
I'm not mouthing off.
I have a weird doctor appointment on Wednesday. I am not going to kiss up to anything or anyone to get anywhere.
Strange things happen when I get up set. Now I'm hungry and I have to show off my house. I finally bought a new hair brush.
That old one came a long way from nasty.
I guess the local girls have a new punch line to play with.
I'm still in love with a fantasy.
I wonder what would happen if I got over it.
It feels so real and so right, nothing is better.
I have a weird doctor appointment on Wednesday. I am not going to kiss up to anything or anyone to get anywhere.
Strange things happen when I get up set. Now I'm hungry and I have to show off my house. I finally bought a new hair brush.
That old one came a long way from nasty.
I guess the local girls have a new punch line to play with.
I'm still in love with a fantasy.
I wonder what would happen if I got over it.
It feels so real and so right, nothing is better.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Monday, November 6, 2017
Testament to the will of me
I do not get out much. Today I got to go to the Dollar General Store with someone.
What to say?
They left here not long after we got back.
I've been alone all day and night other than that.
I feel asleep while ago and then I watched a DVD called The Dark Tower.
It could not have been more perfect.
I'm a strong looking woman.
Because I don't talk about it.
I feel like I have had enough.
Not much to say.
I think that those people just want me around to do their dishes and they want money.
I am not rich.
I'm sickened by the way people go after me in hopes to get rich.
I cannot believe that this would keep going on as though it never happened at all.
I am doing laundry now.
Just so we are clear-
I live on my own
By myself in a house in Dewey Oklahoma.
I am not a child.
I'm not married.
I am Not begging celebrities online to talk to me.
I'm not pathetic.
Actually either someone is making up fake profiles on twitter to talk to me or people are attempting to talk to me.
I don't try to make people feel sorry for me.
Who I respect but do not know.
So I'm not obsessed.
I loaned that Merijo girl my Mummy DVD.
Anyway
I like caffeine and popcorn.
I'm just like everyone else in the world.
I don't know what this blog post. It is 2:46 AM on Monday the6th of November.
I was talking about yesterday Sunday then.
What to say?
They left here not long after we got back.
I've been alone all day and night other than that.
I feel asleep while ago and then I watched a DVD called The Dark Tower.
It could not have been more perfect.
I'm a strong looking woman.
Because I don't talk about it.
I feel like I have had enough.
Not much to say.
I think that those people just want me around to do their dishes and they want money.
I am not rich.
I'm sickened by the way people go after me in hopes to get rich.
I cannot believe that this would keep going on as though it never happened at all.
I am doing laundry now.
Just so we are clear-
I live on my own
By myself in a house in Dewey Oklahoma.
I am not a child.
I'm not married.
I am Not begging celebrities online to talk to me.
I'm not pathetic.
Actually either someone is making up fake profiles on twitter to talk to me or people are attempting to talk to me.
I don't try to make people feel sorry for me.
Who I respect but do not know.
So I'm not obsessed.
I loaned that Merijo girl my Mummy DVD.
Anyway
I like caffeine and popcorn.
I'm just like everyone else in the world.
I don't know what this blog post. It is 2:46 AM on Monday the6th of November.
I was talking about yesterday Sunday then.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Blog about my life as of now.
I'm at home now. I went up the road while ago. Merijo drove me to the dollar store. Lewis mowed my lawn. Strange things keep happening around me. I moved back to Dewey Oklahoma a few months back. Well since I have lived here, people have been making a lot of mistakes around me. They accidentally over charge me.
Once or twice is an accident.
All the time is an episode of the twilight zone.
I got my October arvest bank statement in the mail the other day. Arvest over charged me 30 dollars.
The thing is , it was not with another transaction.
They would have had to do it separate from the other.
I am going to have to go into the bank now to handle this.
But they did it on purpose.
I feel overwhelmed and annoyed.
I want my life back.
I feel attacked and abused.
More than anything
I feel cornered.
These people are horrible to me.
Once or twice is an accident.
All the time is an episode of the twilight zone.
I got my October arvest bank statement in the mail the other day. Arvest over charged me 30 dollars.
The thing is , it was not with another transaction.
They would have had to do it separate from the other.
I am going to have to go into the bank now to handle this.
But they did it on purpose.
I feel overwhelmed and annoyed.
I want my life back.
I feel attacked and abused.
More than anything
I feel cornered.
These people are horrible to me.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Love ❤️
captured caption
By
Jessica singleton
I went for a walk the other day.
I could feel you standing beside me.
I could almost feel my fingers running
through your hair.
It was only the wind and my imagination.
You don't know what I think
I don't talk about anything when I should.
I'm sorry you didn't know
how much you mean to me.
I'm afraid that they will take you away.
I live in a ginger cream house.
I fall asleep in silent films.
You were there too.
Because I love you.
You are a red bird.
I'm the cage.
You don't have to go away
Not unless it would make you happy.
But you make me happy when I let
myself believe that you are around.
I did not buy you.
You do not own me
But you can have me.
I wish you would.
To dwd 👽
By
Jessica singleton
I went for a walk the other day.
I could feel you standing beside me.
I could almost feel my fingers running
through your hair.
It was only the wind and my imagination.
You don't know what I think
I don't talk about anything when I should.
I'm sorry you didn't know
how much you mean to me.
I'm afraid that they will take you away.
I live in a ginger cream house.
I fall asleep in silent films.
You were there too.
Because I love you.
You are a red bird.
I'm the cage.
You don't have to go away
Not unless it would make you happy.
But you make me happy when I let
myself believe that you are around.
I did not buy you.
You do not own me
But you can have me.
I wish you would.
To dwd 👽
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