" When you are loved, you do not mind being hurt. " - Margery Williams
I think when nothing fits right and you are alone most of your life, I think you have an easier time contemplating things. Maybe you just need to figure out the problem because you just don't understand the world around you.
I bought a house a few months ago. I threw myself into unpacking and getting settled in. Not just to feel at home as though I had one.
But
I have been keeping my mind busy for a long time.
Something happened to me years before.
Something that ripped my life in pieces.
I think no one can understand that feeling.
They can read about it but until you experience it-
Well you'll never know.
The first night in the new place-
I put on a David Gilmour album and I soaked in a hot bath.
The pain inside made my body feel like a rusted staircase.
I just fell apart in that water.
It was unbelievable how much agony I kept locked inside of myself.
My tears could have been paid an artist wages for making stain glass windows out of the doors to my soul.
A line from David's 45-
( A Boat Lies Waiting lyrics )
Could not have said it better.
" What I lost was an ocean. "
And I felt like Oliver Twist in that coffin of a tub.
Lost and surrounded by my own life that apparently never mattered much anyway.
Not that I ever paid much attention to the world around me.
It is odd how you cannot see yourself with anyone.
After you lose people that knew you for over 30 years-
Who do you really replace them with?
Concept of a wish-
Sounds great-
But unless you are insane-
Or you are a child-
You know the truth in the back of your head.
It's impossible to want anything when nothing looks good.
Everyone in the world looks like a sugar pill after a while.
Like a buffet line of medicated moments.
But not even enough to take the edge off.
What is the point?
I got used to being alone.
Besides every time I met someone new-
I could not have wanted them less.
I did not want to abuse them and at that point I would only become mean.
Because the more I suffered through them
The more I would make them suffer through my temper.
One day I went to the mall.
I wanted to go to the bookstore.
When I got to the book nook, I bumped into a man.
I would not have believed it if I was not right there.
I fell all over myself.
I have heard of love at first sight but I never believed it.
We started talking.
He invited me to a lecture he was giving at the community center.
He taught a class on history one night out of the week.
I went.
Within a few weeks I was dating him.
I asked him about the ring on his hand.
He did not want to talk about it.
That broke my heart more than seeing the ring on his finger.
It being there could be anything but him not wanting to talk about it
Well-
Apparently I did not matter.
I probably never did.
I did not see him after that for a few nights.
I assumed it was over.
I was thinking of a song by cream called white room because of the line
" she was the kindness in the hard crowd, felt my own need just beginning."
A few nights later I came home from the store.
There was a letter on my front steps.
In the envelope with the letter was a vintage skeleton key.
He knew I liked things like that.
In his letter he said he was married years ago but his wife died in a car wreck.
He could not deal with his own loss.
To completely move on would be to say to her memory that it was over.
Then he would have to say her death meant nothing.
He told me he loved me.
That I could have a key to his life that opened every part of himself.
" In a jigsaw dream with soft spoken words- I woke up crying and no one heard. " - cyndi lauper
The end
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