Is it okay to randomly buy anything.

When I was a child, I loved Alice in Wonderland.  I came across this old picture and it made me laugh.  I had to show it off.  That was me at my fourth birthday party.  Someone took my picture but in it I'm on my bed with all my dolls.

Anyway I was thinking.  I wrote a blog about spending money.  Then  because I am paranoid, I decided to put this in here.

Is it okay for me to spend money?
Yes because the money that came to me was not a grant for a purpose.  So it was open range when it came to what it went towards.

I spent 3,000.00 on food and other things for my family in the last two months alone.

I did not have clothes at all.  So I bought online because I never get out.
It is not illegal to buy anything.
I did buy some books and dolls. 
Oh no not that.
Yes I did.
So what.
Stick in your ear

Purple Rose

It is good to care.  It is better when someone does not take advantage of that kindness and use it to better themselves.  ONLY  to walk all over you and then punch you in the face.  There are few things that I can say that get me by the heart strings.  I do believe in causes like anyone else.  Just not for anyone else.

1. Women against domestic violence 

I used to wear a purple pin at work that stood for women against domestic violence.
No woman or person for that matter deserves to be beat up.

2. The American Red Cross

Everything that goes into the American Red Cross goes back out to save lives. No one that works there drives a BMW, that was paid for with donations.

I have no beef with BMW's.  Those are shinny and pretty in pictures.  Don't turn that comment into anything but what it is.

The American Red Cross actually saves lives.

3. The Salvation Army

There is so many causes that the Salvation Army helps.  They are amazing.  They actually care about people.

4. Breast Cancer awareness.  

I am a woman.  Any silent killer that attacks women is something any woman should fight.  We do not deserve to die because of a tiny germ that has no other cause but to hurt and kill.

5. Single moms do it best.

Family is priceless.  Everyone should have family.  I understand that. I have a big family.  But some times in life, people leave.  You cannot force them to stay.  They do not care.  Or a man is abusive and he'd kill his own.  No woman can live with that.  She really should NOT put her kids around that kind of thing.  So there are times, that you are alone.  Any woman who takes on both rolls, and she works two jobs, one that pays the bills the other job is just that raising kids, is a strong person.  Life knocked her down.  She did not take off to.  She just worked harder to make it last.  Because she loves her kids.  She deserves an award.  The last thing a single mom deserves or as I should say what she should never hear is 
people who do not live her life or do her jobs, try and tell her that she did something wrong.  That , that is why she ended up in the place that she is in.
She should not hear things like;;
Family is what is normal.  You should be ashamed of yourself because you are not married to their father.

No one made that loser homeless.  In fact he works too.  He lives on his own because he wanted freedom from his responsibilities.

He is like one of those losers who just does not want to work.  He takes five hundred smoke breaks at work.  Then he runs around bossing all the other people around, telling them to just do more.  That is annoying.

Yesterday's News a poem I wrote last night.

Last night I was listening to The Scorpions C D  Crazy World.  I love the beat of Tease me please me.  But the lyrics of Winds of Change are amazing.

I have a lot on my mind.  When I want to unwind I listen to music and I let my mind wonder.  Anyway I decided to write something.

It is not a knock off of anything.
It is called yesterday's news.

Sorry if I come off cheesey .  I am not a fat head.

I cannot sit next to you.
Not if you're going to die.
I can't let this go.
and I cannot get used to you.
cause I'm already losing my grip.
and you seem to be the only one that I want to hold onto.
We'll fly away from here.
Just you and me.
Just like yesterday when we were children and we were innocent.
Like we'll never be again.
Not with this.
It will hang us all until we lose our breath.
They wrote it down in the papers.
I read it twice.
I just cannot believe it.
I never will.
and you know it seems just like yesterday when it comes alive.
every time I read the lines.
Black and white is separated so easy,
when they sit side by side.
They work well in photography.
You'd think we'd be the past.
That fashion stage built
but we're here.
where everyone else was.
and it is not working out.
We will not be our parents mistakes.
We are not our parents.
You have my hand.
you have nothing else.
We will not cry tonight.
We will fly away from here.
It is okay for now.
Tomorrow is not at the back door.
by;  Jessica  A  Singleton

Love Devotion ( Relationships )

You cannot just love anyone or anything.  You cannot just let someone touch you.  If it did not matter when someone walked up and touched you, then you would never see stories on the 5 o'clock news about rape.

I do not rape people and I do not want to be raped.
That is not what this is about.
No I am not in a relationship at this time.
I have not had a boyfriend in a long time.
I kept making this silly mistake where I would pick someone because I liked the way they looked.
They did look good.
They were tasty but they were bad on my bones.
They hurt me and if I needed a reason to cry, then they gave me enough reasons to last a life time.

I have never been 100 % happy in one of those relationships.  
No matter how much they made me happy in one way or another.

It would be nice to be happy. 
But you cannot just make yourself happy with other people.

I am not to worried about being in a relationship right now.
I have a lot on my mind.
I do not sleep with Married men.
No exceptions to Married men.

If someone likes me so much,
then why are they with someone else.

I think from here on out, I would like to hang around someone in person for a while.
I would like to see if I even like them as a person.
Mostly because people are different when they are not trying to come off the way they hope will please you.

I cannot imagine the next guy that I end up with but I can say this;
IF he cheats on me;
then I will just leave him and I will not go back.

My idea of the perfect man is not so much an exact hair color.  
I think all men are beautiful.

He would be a nice person
but he would not be a push over.

He would not be annoying to be around.
He would not have some weird personality complex for his likes and dislikes.

" I'm so artsy fartsy that I only eat this to go with my new goth clothes. "

Just eat the damn fast food and shut up.

He would have pretty eyes.
He would be able to think for himself.
He would never hurt me.
He would never make me cry.
He would NOT cheat.
He would not be a reality slut fan.
He would not hit me.
He would not try to change me.
He would not bully people.
He would honestly like me.
He would not want to date any of my friends or family members.
He would not stink.
He would never use me for an ATM.
He would not change himself to be me, but no matter what he was, he would respect me for who I was and he would not give me a hard time for not sharing his opinion.

I think he would be a really great guy.
Not for a camera but he would actually be a decent person.

It would be nice if he shared my faith.
But It would be even better if he was NOT a holy roller freak.

He would never insult me.
He would not make fun of me.
He would never embarrass me.
Even in his worst nightmare, 
he would never make me cry.

He would not make me answer questions about this or that in some off the wall way.
We would live in that moment.
It would not be a job.
I would like it if he was not a sex offender.

Other then that;
I do not want to be picky.

What is the definition of picky and living out side of your means.
Seriously,

He would be a little taller then me.
He would wear jeans and hoodies.
he would have dark hair and light skin
he would look like a vampire.
He would have angel eyes.
His eyes would be piercing but beautiful
He would be smart but not annoying 
like those people who walk around telling other people they should feel dumb because Mr. Smarty pants wants to constantly correct them.

He would love music.
He would respect culture.
He would understand me.
I would never have to explain myself to him.
He'd just get it.
He would smell so good.

Blue Magic Marker

I bought a box of Splat Hair dye a few weeks ago.  It comes with a bleaching kit so you can lighten your hair.  Then it comes with a color of your choice.  I am not getting paid to say this.  I dyed my hair Pure Sapphire while ago. I had to bleach my roots to white.
I have an ash fall colored hair with white grey mixed up on the sides.
I dye my hair a lot.  I guess there is nothing wrong with it.
MeriJo said that she would be over here in a bit.  We are going to the store.
I guess it is a good day.

Why I respect Dr. Seuss

I am going to write a blog about an Author that I respect.  I am a big Dr. Seuss fan.  I am not making a joke.  I am serious.
So that is what this blog is dedicated to;
Dr. Seuss is not alive to get his butt kissed so this is NOT an attempt to get attention.
Thanks.
In respect;
Dr. Seuss died in September 1991 according to the world wide web.


"Cause after all, a persons a person no matter how small."



When I was a little kid, Dr. Seuss books were in the school library.  Our teachers would read them to us.  They expected us to go into the school library and to check out books to read.  I owned The Cat In The Hat by Dr. Seuss in my own home.  I had heard all of his stories a hundred times.

I knew when I was a little girl, that someday I would be a writer.  I would hold out my story books and I would ignore the words.  Then I would pretend that I was reading to a room full of people.  I was alone.  I would read them my story....  I was not retarded.  I was 8 years old.  There was nothing wrong with playing pretend and having hopes or goals.  I never said I wrote a Dr. Seuss book.

Every year at Christmas, I would re-watch that movie The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  It was a cartoon.

When I was a child, I learned to read at the age of 5 years.  The first book I ever learned to read was Little Bear.  Little Bear is not by Dr. Seuss though...  My grandma taught me.

In school they wanted kids to read out loud.  I never liked getting up in front of people.  You had to get used to it.  Dr. Seuss made you feel comfortable.  He rhymes the words and he'd make up silly words.  So you never have to feel out of place or wrong.  He helps you learn in a fun way.
When I was a kid, I would  organize everything that came around me.  I used to get into trouble at other people's homes, because they did not want me to re organize their magnets on their ice box.

I would organize my candy by colors.

In his books, he would use one color or two colors.  Then the rest of the pictures were black and white.

He was fun.
I had a Cat in The Hat hat for humans to wear that I got in the tenth grade. I got it at a Halloween store in the Washington Park Mall.... Every year Coatch House Gifts would open that Halloween store.   I also had a cat in the hat tee shirt I used to wear in the 11th grade....
I have seen the human movie with Jim Ca.....

I don't mind it.
I guess I like that too.
but that movie of the classic cartoon did not inspire me to like Dr. Seuss.

I moved to Dewey Oklahoma in 2011.  I would go to the library and if I saw a Dr. Seuss book that I did not know of, then I would check it out.
I have owned some since.

Then in the last three months I moved back to Bartlesville Oklahoma.

I am not insane.
I am not Dr. Seuss.
I am not obsessed.  

But I do respect Dr. Seuss.

I do not write children's books myself.
I am not published and what I do was not meant for an older audience.

I will say this about Children's authors.....
Meaning someone who writes books for kids to read.

If there is an adult out there who can keep the attention of a room full of children.  And the kids have to just sit and be silent while an adult talks....
They must be very powerful and amazing.  
Children do not sit down for anything.


One time I traced a cat in the hat in a letter that I gave Heather.  She said, that she hated him.  She did have some tee shirts that her mom picked out for her.  She only wore them cause they were baby doll shirts and they did not make her feel fat.  Her mom only bought them cause they were cheap.

I do not mimic my friends and they do not mimic me.

Happy Birthday to my nephew

Today is my nephew Josh's birthday.  He is now a preteen.  It is true.  Just not that long ago he was the little peanut baby boy who loved Mickey Mouse and the hot dog song.  Now he can use a cell phone and he likes watching movies with Batman.  How cute can this kid get.  Well he lit up today.  He was so happy.  He really deserves it.  I hope he got what he wanted.  I got him his gift early.  I ordered a video game and a tee shirt.  Today he got a card from me.

I made videos with my cell phone.  

While we were at McDonald's restaurant I bought me this cute little white rabbit.  It is from that new movie the secret life of pets.  Is that not the cutest thing in the world.  I have not seen it.  I just like rabbits.

55 dot 84

I was listening to my Drain STH CD.  They are great.  I saw them in concert in 1999. I was at Edge Fest.  I used to have two of their CD's.
Horror Wrestling 
and
Freaks of Nature.

I used to have a Snake River Conspiracy CD too.

That honestly had nothing to do with anything.  I  mean I SHOULD say  I do not know the band Drain STH.  I have no problem with that band and I have no association with them.  That way, just because I bought a new CD by that band.  Just because I like their music, does not mean that I need to be sued in court for that.  I have to point that out.  I would not want my words to get twisted into anything but what they say word for word.

I did the dishes in a black out tonight.
No big deal.
Water does not need anything.
Besides with my eyesight I doubt it would change much.
All is well.
The AEP Oklahoma or as I should say American Electric and Power company came around with the cops and they turned it on.
No need to think about that.

I guess that is how you're supposed to look at things like that.  It just comes off like you're talking about crap ten years too late.  Once it is fixed anyway.

Bit misses his mommy but I would love to keep him.

My sister has this adorable little dog.  He just lights up when she is around.  No matter how much I spoil him, he just does not react to me like that.  Dogs know their family.  

I do not have much to say.  If there is a point, then I do not get it.  I really don't.  I had some V8 earlier.  I love that stuff.  It is like soup in a glass.

I actually cleaned up my room.  That was not as difficult as I thought it might be.  What to do with all those boxes?

I have no idea.

New PC and Newer PC

Some times I look back at things that I have done or things that I have thought and I cannot understand how that made any sense at all to me.  Why I carried through with it or anything else.
I am a woman again for this time of the month.  

I copy righted the works that I have been working on.
The general ideas.

I also have two different lap tops.  This one, I may return.  It is a problem.  Then again.... I might sell it on ebay.  It is not listed yet.  It has all my personal things on it.  I wouldn't just throw it out.

I had to go to the post office today.  I got one of those slips in the box out side that said I had to go down there.
A bear that I bought came in.
I got some tape for my mouth.
I guess when I sleep, I am loud. 
That should shut my mouth up.

Last night I got some more clothes. 
Other then getting some new shoes at the end of summer.
I am done shopping for clothes or anything for a while.
I honestly have enough.
Well......  what to say?

Everything that I say sounds stupid to me.
I do not know why....
I guess it is because there is no point and I honestly have to say the things that I say to prove that I'm me.
I think that is the shortest body of work that I have ever copy righted.
My usual is 300 pages.
This couldn't have been more then one hundred.
If that.
I never noticed how far off I am.
I also never noticed how dumb other people are.

I am grateful for what little I have.
I am grateful that I feel loved by God.
How pathetic does that seem?
oh please love me
NO NO NO.
I am not one of those types.

I want to watch a movie.
I can always copy right later.
I have used the electronic copy right the last 3 times.
The first time I copy righted it was through the mail.
That I will never do again.
Not unless it is best.
So far it is not best.

And no I'm not important.
I am just a person.

Video of me today at the post office.

Pewter Dove ( A fictional story )

                                                                        Pewter   Dove
                                                                By;  Jessica    Singleton
                                                   A   fictional   story   that will   never  happen.




   He walked into the bar around seven twenty.  He was filled with hope and regret.  This night was the night and it had to be the one.  There really was no other answer.  She had to show up.  If  she did not show up then he would know, that no matter what she could possibly do after that would not matter.  He ordered a drink from the bar and he started to play pool with a few friends.  Two drinks later it was only eight o'clock at night and the night had really just started.  So there was no problem.  She was probably just about there.  It does take twenty minutes to get through city traffic anyway.

Around eight - thirty, he went over to the jukebox and he put in a dollar.  Then he hit 4cb.  That was Back in Black by AC / DC.  He loved that song.  It always got your blood pumping.  Eight thirty nine and he started to look over his shoulder every other second.  The swinging door had to be her that time.  But it never was.

Around nine fifty, the night was young.  Maybe it was time to move on and find someone else.  Maybe he'd meet someone new tonight.

Ten o'clock and he drank two more beers back to back.  Like a Aerosmith song  Back in the Saddle Again.  He was drinking his night by the gulp.  
This was not supposed to feel like this.  This was not supposed to be like this.  He text her about tonight.  He emailed her twice about tonight.  He left two post on her face book page about tonight.  She must have a good reason for not being here.  What in the hell could it be now?  This was too much.  Last call was only in a few hours.  Ten minutes late is one thing but what was this anyway?

The bar was filled with young beautiful people.  He saw a lot of women but none of them could make him to stop looking at the clock.

She could ruin anything just like that.  She was not even in the room to try.  His heart sunk down into his stomach and he almost fell over.  Then one of his friends pulled out a handful of quarters.  They wanted to play pool some more.

Around eleven - ten PM  he put another dollar into the jukebox and he picked 7ak.  Tha 

Music always brings back memories.  Those were songs that he owned in high school.  Although now he was not a little boy anymore.  Now he was 42 years old and he had a girl friend who was engaged to marry him a year ago.  The wedding was postponed and then just dropped in subject all together.

Why?  That was the big million dollar question.  He could not find the answer.  He was not a dumb guy.  He had an iq  of 143.    

They spent so much time together, he knew her like the back of his hands.  She loved to run on the beach in the morning.  She loved to read  Daniel Steel novels.  She loved Anne Lennox music and she loved listening to Mary J Blige music.  Her favorite food was Vegan.  She had a thing for sweaters and perfume.  Her favorite color was blue.  She could not live without her lap top or coffee from Star Bucks.  She had a dog when she was a kid named Cato.  He was her best friend.  Now she had a little lap dog and his name was Cato.  She was close with her parents but she never talked about them.  Why was that?  He did not know.  

That is when he heard the bar tender call out last call for alcohol.  It was 12 AM.  This was too much.  That meant that the bar closed in two hours.  She was not here.  If she was not here, then where was she exactly.  Slowly she had called off everything  between them without completely breaking up with him.
She did not make sense.  This was weird.  He felt beside himself and he felt lost.  Was this finally the end?  He picked up his phone and he text her again.  All night people had filled in around him to keep him company but he lived the night in a daze.  He felt drunk and he really did not have that much to drink.

Marlo his best friend walked up to him and told him that he would drive him home.  One of their other friends from high school was in town and Marlo would have to drive him home too.  Tony moved back to the city a year ago.  He was living in a condo building in the inner city limits.  They had not seen Tony in over ten years.  Tony was toast.  He had so much alcohol that he needed someone to walk him literally to the car.

Once they were all piled into the car, Tony turned around and he started to try to talk to Baul.  

Being that drunk made it difficult to hold a thought or move his lips.  By the time Tony remember how to talk, he had forgotten what he wanted to say.

" Hey B'man....  I want you to know.  I do .  If you get married.  I cannot be the bride for you.  I don't have a dress.  That and I'm not gay okay.  But I can be your best man.  Or whatever the friends do that stand up there near you. Okay man. "

" Thanks but I don't think it will be a problem. Don't worry about it okay. "

" Great because I don't know... Let me think about it. "

" Okay. "

Marlo got into the car and he started it up.  Then he drove Baul home first.  It was closer.  Then Marlo and Tony took off.

Baul went into his home.  He was tired from a long day and the alcohol.  There was no way that he could stay up.  But he had to know.  The minute he got into his house he went to his computer.  He was filled with the burst of energy.  He logged online and he looked to see where she was if she was not at the bar.
He looked at all her social media pages.
She was no where.  She just did not say anything. 

He sat there and he emailed her again;


Dear Sarah,

I went to the bar tonight.  I did not see you.  I was with friends.  They drove me home.  I am going to bed soon.  You should call me when you can.  Cause I don't know when is a good time to call anymore.   You do not seem to take my calls.  I do not know if you hear my messages.

So I love you;

Love ya
Baul  Tziami


He tried to sleep but he could not find rest.  When the sun was glaring in on him, he got up out of the bed.  He had not slept a minute all night long.  He looked at every outlet.  
She did not text.
She  did not email.
She did not write anything on face book.
She did not tweet on twitter.
He got a cup of tomato juice out of the frig.

Then his door bell rang.  He just about jumped out of his skin.  It had to be her.  As angry as he had been, now he was filled with hope.

He walked to the door and he answered it.  It was Marlo.  He let Marlo in and Marlo just started to talk away about the night before.


" Oh I got something that will make you laugh.  Oh man.... Last night after we took you home, I took Tony to that condo that he lives in right?  Okay well he has his own condo but the parking lot is set up two by twos.  If you have a condo, then your neighbor and you share this big weird space to park in.  The old guy next to him, is just an asshole who wants to start problems.  He comes outside in his robe and slippers.  He has this little snotty looking poodle.    The dog goes off barking like crazy.  Well, you remember how drunk Tony was? He could not even walk by himself last night.? "

" Yeah yeah.. "

"  Okay well the old guy starts yelling at us telling us that we cannot park there.  He says he'll call the cops and have us towed.  I dono.  Well, his dog won't shut up.  Then he says, I will have to ask you to move your car right now. "

Tony is so drunk that he says,

"  Well, mister I need to ask you to move your poodle.  I cannot walk over him.  I am too drunk.  I will trip and fall.  So you move him first. "

"I told the guy that we were only dropping Tony off.  That did not help.  Well the old guy goes over and he poked Tony in the shoulder.  He yelled and said move now.  Well tony was trying to move.  He was already trying to figure out how to step over the poodle but that poke made him fall down.  The dog was in his face barking and he threw up all over the dog.  Then the old man started to cry.  haha."

That did not make Baul laugh.  He just looked at the floor.  Marlo stayed for a few minutes and then he left.

Finally after he ate some food, Baul went to bed.  That afternoon when he finally woke up, it was dinner time.  He took a shower and got ready.  He went for a long drive out to the lake.  He sat there and he looked out over the water.  He cried and then he decided that he had to know the truth.  Even if it hurt like hell.  He was going to follow her around without her knowing.  There had to be another guy.  That must be it.  He got on his bike and he drove into town.  He got a drive through window dinner and he went home.

The next day he followed her.  She did the usual Sarah stuff.  Morning run, shower, in her car to work.  One stop on the way there for coffee.  Sarah worked at a library.  No one new went in or out.  After work Sarah went home, only long enough to change clothes.  She did not come back out of the apartment in sexy heels. She had on jeans and a shirt.  She got into her car and she drove off.  She went to a grave yard everyday.  She would sit at a grave stone for hours.  Then she would go home.  On Wednesdays, she went to a hospital.  She was in the ICU area.  He went in and he watched.  When she left, he looked to see who she was seeing.  It was her mom in the ICU.  Her dad was in the grave yard.  He died around the time, that she stopped talking to anyone in her life.

He walked up to her in the grave yard the next day.  He said "this is where you've been all this time.  Why didn't you just say something."

" I was never their child.  They adopted me.  My real mom gave me up when I could remember it.  I got a call about a year ago.  My parents were in a bad car wreck.  A drunk driver hit them head on.  My mom is in the ICU.  My dad died that night.  I don't want to know about my childhood.  I stay by their side.  I can't talk about it yet.  And bars make me sick now.  Not after..... never mind.  I am sorry but it was not the right time to have a wedding in the same month my dad died.  You know?  I love you too."

He looked at her and she was crying.  He did not mean for this to be like this.  He almost wished that she was with another guy.  The reason,  was not so he wouldn't be wrong.  The reason was because she would not be crying like this.

He bent down and he held her, while she cried. 

That next weekend, he was playing pool again.  Then the Jukebox started to play his favorite song.  No Sleep Till Brooklyn.  He looked up and there she was. 

"  I will not drink alcohol but I will stay with you.  I do not want to lose you either. "

The  End

Rewind ( A fictional story )

                                                                           REWIND
                                                                By;  Jessica   Singleton

                                            A   fictional   story   that   will   never   happen.



Mr.  Tel woke up to the sound of his old Benson Alarm clock going off.  It sounded like a rotary dial telephone going off in his ear.  He did not sleep well the night before.   So the sound of bells in his ears almost made him throw up.  

It is hard to sleep when you are nervous.  Mr. Tel had every reason to be nervous.  This job interview meant the world to him.  He got up and he showered.  The only thing that sounded tolerable for breakfast was black coffee and silence.

It was raining sheets of water outside.  Mr. Tel took a cab to the train station.  Then he bought a newspaper from a vending machine.  
The train station looked like something out of a black and white movie.  Everyone was in  a white button up shirt or a black trench coat.  No color at all to the grey day.
When Tel took his seat on the train, there was a woman with a tea cart who ask him, if he needed anything.
She only had coffee and tea.  Frank Tel had already had one cup of coffee but he needed the caffeine.  So he bought a cup of black coffee from her.
She served his coffee in a glass cup that sat on a tiny plate.  Frank heard the tinniest sound behind him.
He turned around to see an old man sitting alone.  The older man was gibbering to himself.  He was almost shaking.  Frank had to go to the bathroom.
He got up and he walked toward the center isle.  When he came near the older man, he stopped to smile at him.  Tel slightly looked down to see, the older man was reading a paper that was scribbled words.

The cart lady came up and she said,

" Oh Mr.  What did you need?  You really should not be out of your seat. "

" I am sorry.  I needed to find a bathroom and ....  this man is talking to himself.  Is he okay? "

" That man is reading a newspaper.  He is fine.  The bathroom is  that way. "

" I am sorry.  Thank you. "

Frank went to the bathroom.  Then he walked back to his seat.  When he got back to his box car, the older man was sitting there waiting on him.  Frank took a seat on the other side of the man.  The older man kept pointing at the newspaper and gibbering.  Then he just got up and left, but he gave Frank his newspaper.

Frank felt a jerky bump and then he woke up.  He was alone in his box car but he had the newspaper that the old man had left.  He must have dozed off for a few minutes.  Frank looked down at the paper and it was all blurry and scribbled up.  The date on the paper was two weeks out of date.  The paper was a future paper.

Frank looked down and the only thing readable was the obits.  It showed that Frank was dead.  That made him swallow hard.  Then the newspaper burst in white birds that took flight.

Frank stood up.  He needed to find the bathroom again.  Frank walked down the center isle and he started to hear industrial music.  He walked toward the end of the hall.
There was an old radio and a child playing with the nobs.  Most stations were static.  Then random talking from advertisements and then that music again.  It was Martin Gore electronic music.  Which Frank loved but ....  that had nothing to do with this day.

Then the child turned to look at Frank and the body was small enough to be a child but the face of the child was an old woman.

The voice that came out of that child was of a deep dark man.

" Did you need something Frank...ly....?  Try the coffee Mr.  In fact try the death pages. "

Frank backed away and he backed right up into the cart girl.

She smiled and her teeth looked like George Washington's wooden teeth with fangs.

" Mr. Tel did you need to use the bathroom again?  It is that way. I really will have to ask you take your seat now.  There is no tomorrow Frank.  So you will have to take your seat now. "

" No tomorrow.  Why ?  What does that mean exactly. "

" This train only has one destination.  And you will not go back.  You will only go forward. "

Frank looked out of the window and saw that the track was going to end soon.  He then saw a bunch of birds burst into flight from outside the window.

That is when Frank woke up.  He was at home in his bed.  He did not have a Benson clock.  He had a digital clock.  He stood up and he looked out of the window, only to see a group of birds take flight.

He did make his job interview and he made it home safe.
Just a bad dream.
Too much caffeine.
Not enough sleep.
and 
too many late night Albert Hitchcock movies.

                                                                          The   End

Paper Hearts ( A fictional story )

                                                                   Paper Hearts
                                                            By;  Jessica  Singleton

                                             A  fictional  story that will never happen.





     Once upon a time, there lived an old king and his queen.  They lived in a beautiful garden kingdom with their only child Valory.   Princess Valory wished that she could have other children to play with but she was locked away from the rest of the kingdom.  Valory was named after Valentines Day and the word allure.  Her parents loved her more then anything.  Valory's birthday was on Vanentine's Day.

On Valory's seventh birthday, her father got her a beautiful jewelry box that was in the shape of a heart.  Her mother always got her dolls and stuffed bears.  
A few nights after Valory's birthday, life went back to normal.

Her father worked all the time.  In the evenings, he would read to his daughter.  He would grab up one of her favorite fairy-tale books and he would read to his tiny child.   Before bedtime, her mother would give Valory a warm bubble bath and then brush her long curly hair.

From 1 PM to 5 PM,   and then from 7 PM till 9 PM, on Wednesdays and Thursdays the king saw anyone who came into the castle with a problem.  The king and queen would sit  on their thrown and fix the problems that came into the court of King Charles rule.

Sometimes Valory would sit and watch her father work.  One night after a long day, the kings gardener came in.  He was very dramatic and he had a metal cage.  The cage had chains linking off of it.  It had some bars in the front and a big lock attached to the metal box.

" Your majesty , Sir....   I am so sorry to bring this in, but I have found the thief who has been stealing from the royal garden....  It took me a week to catch the beast.  I have him now in chains.  He will not attack us. "

The king was very tired.  He had had a long day.  The king took a deep breath and he said,

" Let us see this beast you talk of.  I can't imagine him being so much of a danger, if he fits in a box that small. "

" I have the monster now Sir.  Here he is. "

The king's gardener opened the lid.  Then he had to dump the box, to get the scared little bunny to come out.  The bunny looked around, then it wiggled its nose before it curled up in a tiny little ball.  For the bunny was very scared.

The king sat up in his seat to make sure he was seeing the kingdom monster correctly.  His mouth was wide open and then he rolled his eyes.

" Oh well, I see how this is a problem for all of my knights.  There is only one conclusion to this horrible problem.  Off with his head at once.  I will not stand for this. "

The gardener shook his head and then grabbed the bunny.

Valory had never seen such a tiny animal.  Animals were always in books or the woods.  She took one look at the tiny bunny and she lit up.  Valory ran over to her father and she put her tiny hand upon his big hand.

The king looked down from his thrown at the tiny child at his side.
Valory had big tear filled eyes.

" Oh no papa.... not a baby bunny.  I love him.  Oh please papa can I keep him?. He is a baby like me.  Please papa. "

The king would do anything for his daughter.  He loved her.  There was no way to say no to a seven year old child.  Besides he did not want Valory seeing death yet.

" Wait gardener.... So it has come to my attention that my daughter has spoken out on this creature's behalf.  Valory will keep that beast as a pet. Bring the bunny here. "

Valory did keep the bunny.  The castle then had a royal pet. The bunny was named twinkle and he slept on a pink velvet pillow.
Valory fed her bunny fresh carrots and beans from the royal garden for years, until the bunny died of old age.

By then Valory was a teenager.  She buried her bunny in her royal garden near a rose bush.  The princess would go everyday to the wall of the garden and she would look out upon the world, that she knew nothing about.

One day she saw a young man.  He was on the other side of the wall.  She fell in love with him.  He was not a prince.  But he was a thief.  He was stealing food from the royal garden.  When the king found out, he ordered the thief to die.
Valory spoke out on his behalf.
After saving the peasant boy, he stole her necklace.
Valory was in town one day and she found him with another girl.  
The young man who stole her heart also stole her necklace only to give it to another girl.
Valory got it back.
Her father looked at her and he said,
" I love you Valory, but life is not a fairy-tale.  I think that this should be a lesson to you.  That boy is a wolf not a bunny.  Be more careful.  Because I care.  I do not say these things to make it worse.  You are my daughter.  When your heart breaks, then so does mine. "

Valory hurt and all she could say was yes father.

Valory never could love anyone again.  She was too afraid to let anyone in.  So she locked herself up in her tower for years.

One night on her 25th birthday, she threw a royal ball.  It was a beautiful night.  The entire kingdom was there to celebrate the birthday of the princess of hearts.

Valory left her own party to sit in her own garden, when a young man came up to her.  He ask her to dance and she said yes.
They danced in the moonlit for ever.
There was something familiar about this man.
Then he said,
" I have a gift for the princess too. "
The young man gave her a box with a bow on it.
The princess opened the box and inside of that box, was beautiful necklace.
It had a tiny sparkle of a stone dripping from it.

" It is so beautiful.  What is this? "

" It is a fallen star.  It is also a wish.  See years ago, I was a fairy.  I made a wicked witch mad because I was in her garden.  She turned me into a bunny.  She told me that I would live the life of a rabbit.  That way, I would have to learn about when it was okay to be curious.  If I was a good rabbit, and I only died of old age, then I got my life back.  I was immortal.  The thing is, I almost died.  Then a child saved me.  I fell in love with her.  So I came to offer her my life.  If she would marry me.  If she says yes, then I would willingly give up immortality only to be in her arms forever."

Valory stood up and she kissed him.  She felt loved as much as she loved him back.  So she accepted his offer.

They lived happily ever after.

The End

Your Next Answer ( fictional story )

                                                       Your  Next  Answer

                                                           By;  Jessica  Singleton

                                                                  A fictional story that will never happen

I walked into town today.  I sat on a park bench and I watched the sun hide behind the clouds embrace.  I wanted the warmth from the wind on my skin and I wanted to just sit in vast nothingness of the day. I was up before 3PM.  I was not drunk today.  For me that is a life time of an accomplishment.  

I'm not in AA meetings.  Those are for addicts.  I am just a void filler.  I don't know how to let go of the past,  and I don't know how to hold on to reality.  So I fill the void with anything that numbs it all away.  Fast prescription.  

I am not a problem for myself.  I am not insane.  If I was insane, then I wouldn't need a void filler.  When you're insane, then you deal with everything and you don't care.  You are hysterical with laughter.

Anyway I did not want to go home.  I live alone in an apartment.  No one is there to bother me, but I hear the past echoing off of everything.  Funny how when you have something that is in your life, you never know just how much it means, until the day it goes away.  Then you are haunted by every little thing in your home.  It reflects off of everything.

Then the screams and fights and the guilt kicks in and you are lost before five o'clock in the afternoon.  You just keep the memories going like slideshows.  And you'll waste your life away thinking of yesterday.

My life anymore is an after taste for yesterday.  I can still feel it on me.  I just can't reach it anymore.  

The spiders were something that no one saw coming.  They were just a government experiment gone wrong.  Most people ignore them.  They act like they don't exist.    They can see them.  They know they are there.  But when you ask about the spiders, they play dumb and people will call you insane.

Sounds simple enough....  A tiny creature.  Why not buy some spray at the store and then zap them gone?

Somethings in life do not have a death sentence.  They live a blessed existence.  As though they were immortal.  No one cares about tiny spiders.

Those with questions don't get answers.  They get their question re directed back at themselves.  

Accusations are better for people with something to hide.

They ask me what I have to say for myself?  I should not have to say anything.  I did not do this.  I do not create spiders and I do not mass produce science experiments in labs that go wrong.

What they did to those monkeys made them a real spider monkey.  Some creature that was half monkey, part spider and then part human.

I am not God and I did not create the world.

I am not Darwin and I am not Einstein.

I am just a simple woman who lives with a half alive plant.  I read to pass the time.  I like movies. I see the shows.  Who doesn't?

I almost keep up with world affairs.  But I am no one.  Not really though.  How should I know about monkeys.

I suffer from paranoia and depression.  

 That means that I have trust issues and that I am sad.

When you disagree with someone, they'll laugh at you.  The only thing that they have to say is that you must be depressed.

They think just because you don't agree with them, that it means your brain does not work right.  As though they are never wrong. Or that you are not allowed to have your own opinion. 

It is odd because that is the same definition to the concept of rape.

They take advantage of you when you say no.  

I am no more responsible for what goes wrong in the world,

then the U.S. Government is responsible for the attacks during the 911 tragedy.  

They got a letter telling them that there would be a problem.

They did not tell the general area or the businesses  in those areas what was said.

Then it happened.

I don't find 911 funny.  That is just sick and sad.  

Someone threatens me or my family.  I go tell the cops.  I fax a letter over seas and I cuss them out.  

Don't you ever threaten my family again, or I will press charges and I will  put you in jail.

Then they attack someone.

I did not tell them to do anything.

I did not pay them.

I did not force them to do anything.

I did not have a gun to their head.

The cops did not care.

Okay, so how am I responsible for what they did?

It is not my fault that they are a jerk.

In fact it is not my fault at all.

I got up off the bench.  I walked through the park for a while.  I saw a kite stuck in a tree.  I walked over to it.  It was not a kite at all.  It was a stuffed animal pig head with a string hanging from it.  Then I heard the slithering sounds.  The pig head slid off of the glass jar.  The jar was filled with cookies.  The jar was covered in blood.  The pig head was only a mask for the remains of what looked like dried skin and blood.

The jar fell to the ground and it broke.

The cookies were not real cookies.

They were the palms of children's hands that had been cut into circles with cookie cutters.

Someone took the time to decorate the tiny hands like the way you'd decorate cookies.

I turned to walk away and I bumped into someone.

I just about jumped out of my own skin.

It was only a man with a dog.  They were not a treat to me.

When I walked away, I turned back to look at the man and his dog.

The man pulled a rounded cookie cutter out of his pocket.

Then he smiled at me.

I just walked on a little faster.

Anyway-

I finally got home.  

When I got there, all I wanted was a drink of cold water.

That sounded like heaven.

Ice cold water.

I heard this tiny noise coming from the hallway closet.  I walked over and I opened the closet door.

There was a tiny spider in the corner.  She had a needle and thread.  She was sewing a web.  I apologized to her for interrupting her art.

She flipped me off.

I closed the door.

Then I heard another noise.  I walked back over to the kitchen door.  I could see inside of the kitchen.  My cold glass of water was sitting on the table.  I wanted that glass of water.  But there was a tiny little spider monkey standing by it.  He picked it up and he drank it in front of me.  How could you be mad at a tiny baby monkey?  They are so cute.

That is when he opened his mouth until it stretched to ten feet or so.  A man stepped out of the monkey costume and he was about ten feet tall.  He was the man from the park.  

He opened his mouth.  His teeth were spider legs and they were sewing a web that looked like a tongue.  I ran and I opened the back door to my apartment.  That back door only opened the hallway closet.  I ran into that closet, and I was stuck in a web.Then the darkness came and I realized the closet was his mouth.  He was going to eat me.  

That is when I woke up and it was only a bad dream.

The End

Poems written by me

These are the new ideas for POEMS, and then SHORT STORIES, that will go into Epidemic ;



Poems ; By;  Jessica Singleton


Without reason

Liars give out forks in the road.
Fallen Angels go straight to hell.
Money is printed on paper.
and 
Your wife plays with paper dolls.
It really is to bad that you think you 
want to be the asshole handing out second chances.
You really are not one to judge anyone.
and its not like the rights that you have were earned
with anything besides paper dolls.
I never noticed before how pathetic I come off. Not in my own mind. 
In yours. But you don't know shit. 
I cannot deal with anymore of this pain.
I cannot seem to be able to watch someone else dying.
Not after what this war has done.
As angry as I am, as much as it still hurts.
You'd think that the normal responce to this is revenge.
That is the logical answer, but its not mine.
It is not that I do not care about what you did.
I do not understand you.
but I'm going through something now, and it makes it hard to want this.
You'll take advantage of it.
Only to get away with more.
The thing is, if you don't get outta my face and stop,
then I'm going to kick your skiny ass.







People want to hear all about it now.
Don't give up now. 
You've got everyone's attention in your right hand.
You know how to throw people around the way you throw dirty looks at anyone you don't know.
Someone who didn't know you today would think that you know everyone in the world.
A look like that is personal.
Not for you.  They have to prove themselves worthy of your approval.
It is sad that someone like you ended up in a place where anyone answers to you.
God be with the sad soul who is sent into your office.
You would probably have your own grandmother crawling at your feet.
But these things will come back to you.
One of these days and you'll be alone.
No one will be there to help you.
Without anyone to step on to get around and you will just sit in the floor and you'll throw a hissy fit.



White Trash

He leaves his shit everywhere except on himself. That is so everyone else can kick it around. He'll need a hand job for pooping on your day. And everyone knows its for show He is all about intentions these days.  The way he shakes his shit around you'd think he worked a thousand days without pay.  There is nothing like watching him move his opinion around a room.  Its a masquerade for the blind. No one can smell the junk hes left behind. He is looking for his next excuse. I've got no money to buy my way out. I've got my name on a list. Those who do not participate get bags of rotting candy and a lethal perscription.  I'm laying on the floor in my own piss. While this insanity is painted up beside me. This is not on pay per view. We're a lot like you. 




Bad Day old Joe 
He had a silver shiny in his pocket 
AND he has a mouthful of yesterday to tell everyone about.
Poor bastard sits in AA every week with the same sad song.
No one is there to care.
They've come so the POs don't put them back where they came from
Everyone is eating the cookies and no one gains weight.
Shut the Fuck up bill has two kids and wife.
He will tell everyone to shut up
but he never opens up.
so it looks like he don't care.
He does care.
He cares so much that it hurts to listen.
so he blocks it all out.
They punish him.
That is not progress.
Billy boy is at the back of the line tonight.
and when he goes back in to his cell,
He'll get the letter and the word from the cop who brought him in.
He should have been there. He could have saved them all.
Cause while he was in his cell,
someone killed his wife and kids.
He will not be able to go to the funeral.
He has two more weeks.
But since he is not there and there were no plans set in order,
Then his family will be creamed.
He'll never see them again.
Cause they need you to sit up and talk.
if you follow the program then you can stay in life's arms.
Otherwise you miss out.
They do not want Billy boy to have pictures of his family.
The state has plans to cover it all up.
Yes sir mother fucker.
SO he can hope to hold onto his memories.



Well and Fair

They stand looking out their safe picture window at all the folded people.  They don't have to care until normal business hours.  Even then that dirty word has them crawling at their four walls.  White Trash is a stinky word today.  It is 29 degrees outside and its pouring rain.  It is 8:54 AM.  But they don't have to deal with the children in the street until 9 AM. Not until they have to.  Hand outs come with a price.  Punching a clock till five PM is the pits. Even at 8:59 AM the workers just stand there.  You'd think that they got stooped on paper air plane instructions. Fallen alter boys are not dirty old men. They should not be made to feel like they did something wrong just because life sucker punched him.  You'd think the person with the lack of tact would be the one looking at their feet for blaming other people for the insanity that society pushes on people. His government wanted to cut budgets ten years ago because they could not do first grade math when they spent the tax payers money.  Lay offs come cheap to those who don't know.  Now no one wants what he has. He has no other choice but to ask for help.  That or he'll starve in the street. The way they hold their nose, you'd think they wanted to see a town hanging at the innocents expense.



Enob Ijuga

I have a forest on my head.
It stands as a door to a realm that I've locked away.
I walk through the white pumpkin patch.
and I listen to the trees talk amoungst themselves.
They whisper secrets.
They tell your lies.
I know most of them by heart.
I just do not let the pain show through.
It glimmers behind what is damned.
I have no release.
It seems that I am lost.
No bread crumbs to lead me through.
So I refuse to give you the right,
that you've already stolen away.
Suffer well,
You will not have any rights here again.
This time I will scream.
This time I will let the gates of hell open their arms to you.
and I will let you die by your own foolish hand.
Your so wrong when you're right.
But even when you fall down, you always stand back up.
What is deleterious to others, is funny how insane it makes you look.
You just keep attempting the same thing that did not work before.
You only tare down your own world.

Release Me,
I do not deserve to carry you. It is not my fault what you did. By holding me down, you only prevaricate everything that will release me. It is a bourdon on everyone around you.  You only lean on the back door.  What kind of person could turn another out. You know that cord, cause you play it well. You run everyone down with all of your clamorous mess.  Look at you standing there like that. The sad thing is that you do not care. What is worse is that you don't care what this does to everyone else. FUCK OFF


Deleterious 

You have a way with leaving before the light can reflect on you. It is funny how all the strings and cords wind back to where you were sitting.  And you're not sorry until it suits you.  They don't know yet. No one does. That you're the one to blame for what everyone else is going through. You just wanted to be a part of something so someone would have a reason to talk to you. Yet here you are and after all the bs that you've caused, and all he people that you've shamed... Still no one is talking to you. How pathetic. You honestly thought that if you kicked someone else around that it'd impress anyone. 


Open Door

You got enough cocain to blow through a day.
You're like the sound of a shot gun in a church during a Sunday prayer.
This house feels like a witch trial.
These walls hold your secrets.
I am the only one stronger enough to admit that truth.
I'm just not insane to stick around for another round of your deleterious asylum.
Tell them all your sad story.
Just wipe that dumb grin off that fat face of yours when you blame everyone for what you did.
Oh don't worry. 
Not about me, I'm just the woman that you'll forget.
I'm always off and five minutes to late.
I lose track of time, and this is old.
I am basically not going to fit into whatever it is that you want.
I don't want your mold. It makes me sick. I cannot stand you.
So you really are wasting your own time.
That is probably because without lies and bullshit, you just would have anything to do but chain smoke 
and piss on your own legs.
Your opinion to me, 
Means about as much, as a maxi pad.






Immutable Fall

He dresses slowly these days.
My sky is turning into folded dreams.
The world is a water color set of 
bronze and red kingdoms.
There is nothing that I can say.
He cannot see me tonight.
The leaves fall in love at the first kiss.
They are withered hands that applaud the fall 
as they descrate into the great nothing.
I keep you in front of my temper.
Because I cannot know what I've done to you.
I'm begging you again to hold back what you deserve to scream.
Your silence pulls me down inside.
It makes it real that you are not standing next to me.
I would say that I am sorry but I can't.
Not if my actions are going to make me feel like this.
It is a barbed wire fence that holds me back.
It is two inches tall.
Its my own pride.
I'm to lazy to step over myself.
and I'm held back by my own guilt.
I swear for whatever it is worth now. 
I would never hurt you.



Crimson Lullaby

Shame makes us look at our feet.
We look at everything but each other.
I will change.
I will promise you anything.
I'll swear and I'll promise
This is so taboo.
Can you feel me fall apart around you.
I feel so innocent and so guilty when I'm with you.
Tell me you'll stay
and I'll leave out my darkness.
Maybe I'll try to keep you this time.
I am the son of a criminal.
I am the death that decays.
and darling I'm yours if you letme.
Watching you smile parts the sky.
Tell me I have not lost you.
I swear I'm not a bastard.
I am the lost child of nothing.
And you are safe with me.
I'll kiss it all away.
I will place you in a crimson lullaby.
Nothing will harm you while I'm away.
Stay with me, just for tonight.
and you will see.
I really do love you.




Candle light

You have the most beautiful face.
I'm afraid to look into your eyes 
for long periods of time.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
I am afraid that your curl away.
You will shatter.
You feel like a wish.
It is only my luck that you will melt before I wake up.
Tiny spark
There you are...
I have not built a wall yet.
I cannot keep my feet from falling out from under me
Not if I see you.
I'll fall again if you smile.
Until the day you finally break me.
I've folded up these feelings for you years.
I've kept them in an envelope.
You have the face of a nephilim. 
You've lost your way,
cause you're not here with me.
I can't forget that easy.
Not the way you can.
So I'm just stuck here waiting on the day you finally care.
I feel like the wick of a candle.
I know it can only last for so long.
But I'm lit and I'm drowning in a sea of wax.
Do not make your wish tonight.
Don't blow.
Please let me be with you,
if not for tomorrow.






Aug

She was wearing one of his shirts again.
He was not home.
The day old paper work sat on the bed
His name written in ink might ignite his goodbye
But with a few more drinks, she'll have her husband back.
The projector was propped up on the dresser.
The faces of once upon a time were displayed on the bedroom wall.
Anything to keep him home.
Somewhere he never belonged.
But laughter is the regret in the alone hours and tomorrow is past the point.
So tonight is all she has.
He sat in his hotel room alone.
The woman that just left did not take as long as the one he slept with last night.
He wanted freedom and now freedom is all he has.
The woman at home that he left was not supposed to linger.
But with a few more drinks from the mini frig, 
He'll have the one thing that he cannot get back.
Cause laughter is the regret in the alone hours and tomorrow is past the point
So tonight is all he has.
She knows this song.
Its a dance we all do.
You play along with whats wrong in the world.
You smile and you take it in.
Hold back what you really want to scream.
Cause this can't be so.
Its not your falt.
But theres not a damn thing that you can do about it.
And the more you fight it,
The more it will win and it will tare you down.
Cause laughter is the regret in the alone hours and tomorrow is past the point.
So tonight is all you have left.


Catoptrophobia

I have cat eyeballs on the tips of my fingers.
I painted them on with green and navy.
Everything here is so delicate.
It only reflects through the eye of a needle.
You cannot blink or your miss it all.
You can't hold your breath or you'll miss out.
You gotta take it in.
No matter how scared you are of letting it in.
Don't push.
It is just a matter of time before one of us gets hurt.
Everyone outside has translusant ears.
Deaf until their own opinion has entered the room.
I am so lucky that I am not on that list
and that you all have walked through my door.
Translated on rusted wires.
I am sharp when I am open.
You're not a toy to me.
Should I say that I'm sorry now.
Maybe it'd save us both the time.
I'm just not worth what I once was.
Your eyes reflect all the guilt that I've hidden.



Pearl Harbor

Souls made of pearls.
Lost in sea shells, and canon balls.
The beaches of Asian shore lines 
explode from behind his eyes.
I'm the genocide that channels 
what cannot be healed. 
Great walls that tower with his every word. 
Trust so fragile. 
I am only guilty of taring down my own friend.



Blue Popsicle

Painted Novicane.
He is wrapped in a blue rubber tonight.
He is taking every other girl but me on a sky ride.
Up and up far away.
He will rush to your head and 
He'll rush to your heart.
No time at all to addict you to his smile.
He'll knock you off your feet.
I'm so amazed until it takes him no time at all
to break my heart.
Then I hurt so bad, that I cannot get off the floor.
Lets all spin out of control.
Its my new hobby.
I feel like fling a kite.
Although I have to keep him in my pocket.
No one can know about our love.
What is usually left of me in the morning,
my mommy will have to pick up off the floor.
I will feel heavy and used.
I run back to him all the time.
Every time I feel the itch
Someday when I wake up...
I will realize that I wasted half my life 
on a fronzen treat that 
I cannot even remember how to forget.
But didn't you know.
If I do not enjoy him now.
Then he will melt into some other girl.
and I will not have him at all.






Slut

Your contagious when you're around. I'm the antidot and you'll drain me before you leave. Over and over I'll fall and you'll never get enough of coming around to sell this to me again. You love me so much but all you do is hurt me. I wish you'd stay but I wish you let me get over you.



Quarter

She sat there in the puddle.  
They left her there.
No one cared when she screamed.
The swinging door only throws dirty looks.
Sticky plastic floors in the trailer park.
The man with the baggie must be out of quarters.
The way he makes his way around with his ghost.
He made a handful of money tonight.
Fat ugly bastard probably doesn't even know,
That just cause he can push his way in the back door.
Like a wolf looking for what you owe, doesn't mean it 
was good for you too.
There is a lot of fat dogs in the world.
They all have a bill for you to pay.
Most of them want you to pay a bill that never existed.
Or they got it in their pocket that you can pay someone elses bill.
It will leave you with a quarter shy of a dollar upstairs
when the fat old man is done.
And the prescription like any other, will make it's round when the body has a month to understand it.
Trick for a quarter, treat for what the insurance won't cover.

Oblong Substance Abuse

You are not a woman, until you've been raped by the hands of society.
They'll stand you in a line.
They will tell you how ugly you are.
Just to shove you down where you belong.
Until the day they tell you how pretty that you made yourself look.
That is why you deserve every bruise.
No one wants to hear about something that has already happened.
So keep it to yourself.
It is a bastard of a job.
And
That bastard will break your back.
Just stick your conscience up you ass.
And you should know they'll beat you black and blue.
Until you learn to say thank you.
Cause you need to be greatful.
You need to know your place.
You have no right to cry.
The only reason a baby has the right to cry,
is because a baby has not learned to shut up yet.
Humiliate yourself while you're down their on the floor.
Anger is your substance abuse. 
Point at the mirror and tell it you love it.
You got a problem lady. It is time that you understand your substance abuse problem.
It is time that you get therapy for your ghost.


Widow

Everything that she has lost, is crawling out from under her skirt.
It is on the floor.
She'll invade everything but her own nightmare.
Giving birth to what they all regret.
They'll never tell and she will never let herself know.
She will not deal with anything that no one knows.
Not when it burns like this.
They don't have any tact.
Everyone wants to know
JUST so they can have a reason to look at their feet.
She is so pathetic for bring it up.
Its not an award show.
They don't see and no one cares.
But like a train wreck and bad reality TV,
They cannot look away.
There she goes again.
Down another drain.
She'll fly high tonight.
She'll take you in,
for one last bite.


Black Sheep in the family

I'm not awake when everyone wants to tell me how they feel.
I'm good enough to clean the toilet.
I'm good enough to listen to what everyone else has to say.
Yeah man I need to know my place and I need to listen up.
Cause I'm trash when it comes to you.
When it comes down to it,
And your hypocritacal opinion changes 
like a bipolar whore I went to high school with.
I guess whatever would give you another reason to hear your tired opinion.
But I've got a little black dress in the back of my history closet.
So I'm a fat old black woman and thats too many shadows for you.
No one wants to get that dirt on their hands.
No one but the people who are dark enough to show up.
Cause I'm not black enough for them.
Everyone can tell me that I owe them something. 
God knows they are all due for a pay check.
It seems that I'm the boss man on Fridays and Sundays.
Although I'm not allowed to say it out loud.
Not that I'm a black sheep.
Not that I'm white.
Not that I'm a Jew.
Cause that would embarrass everyone.
I'm an orphan.
And the sad thing is that I'm not up for adoption.
I'm an adult and you're the one bring it up everyday.
The whites want to beat me up for being a Jewish Black 
and
The blacks want to beat me for my white skin
but the 
Jews want to ignore the fact that we are the same.





Honey colored flower

I remember you from every other memory.
Just not the ones where I last saw you.
My mind cannot let go and at the same time...
My mind will not accept this.
Can you hear me where you are?
I feel so lost, I cannot hear mysef anymore.
I know it is not my fault.
But I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
In my mind you're seven years old and you're scared.
Cause you're sitting on your first roller coster.
I cannot fix this for you.
I just wanted you know that I have not forgot.
Not you, not this and not what it did to us.
They have posioned me and they have raped me blind.
and they've beat me silly. I'm laughing at my own ghost sister.
My mind is starting to give out.
I have lost hope to see the end of this problem.
I have lost my train of thought.
I cannot remember where my keys are half the time.
but
I remember June 18th and June 19th of 2011.
I remember a Blake poem.
I remember the smell of grandma's purfume.
I remember the name of everything that ever made us laugh.
There was not much.
And for some reason, I cannot remember how to let go.
I also cannot forget how to let go of the pain.
It lingers.
They don't desere this on their shoulders.
They did not do this.
Not all of them.
I will never forget you.
and 
I love you.
How could I not,
cause after all 
You will always be my little sister.



Father's Day-
The day they brought you in to the hospital room,
the sunlight was so illuminating that it almost eclisped you.
I could not see your face, when they wheeled you in.
I had to stand up just to get a good look at you.
You were never there when it mattered.
So I had all these images of what you might look like
going through my head.
I wanted to tell you about me.
I did until it caught in my throat.
It is odd, because you feel like a stranger to me.
I felt like you had not earned the right yet.
I cannot explain how I felt.
It was as though you should be forced to apologize for 
not being a dad. 
For walking out like I was an appointment that had ended.
I am sorry that I called you here at this time.
It is just that I found out today that I have six months to live.
No more then another year.
There is only so much technology can do for me.
It is odd how you find yourself with a list.
Things that you should try before you go.
I had some books that I wanted.
I wanted to see a real circus.
and for some reason, I wanted to know who my real dad was.
I guess it does not matter now.
Not that it ever did to you.
You were never there.
Probably off at some circus.
Anyway I guess I love you.
I don't understand how.
I do not know you at all.
The good news is that you can walk out again.
This time you do not have to feel bad.
Because this is all the time that I have left.





Something is smudged on this page but there is no sign of why.
I don't know when I'm awake or when I'm asleep.
I just wonder around myself anymore.
Life is unfair.
and I really don't deal with it when I'm crawling around inside.
Someone is holding the stitches to my open wounds.
Cause my humilliaion just ooozed all over the floor in front of all 
those people that I do not know.
I would say that there is nothing worse then some asshole pointing
at all my problems but the pain- The lost memories...
Why that is.... could beat my humiliation by a mile.
Anything is better then pissing your own pants in front of the whole world.
Like you don't care. Just because I do not care what people think about 
me does not mean that I don't give a shit. No I just can't drink it away
 and I can't deal with all this pain.
There is a line behind me.... and it leads right to you.


White Virgin

Cloudless sky parted by a blue gold sun. 
Endless journey caessed with the hands of time.
Nothing  left to open the arms to a white virgin.
Like a back door stranger in the night. The tiny king
was born to unleash the stars to a black moon.
The tiny little person held so dear, will be the biggest impact 
upon the world.  He'll teach them how to forgive and the 
world will slaughter the tiny child for it.



Flock

I sit in my corner. 
It is late into the night.
 Hope must have wings. Because its taken flight.
 So far above me that I cannot see.
 Sometimes when the day is closing in around me like this. 
I cannot help but want to give up.
 You seem to be there. 
God is my sheperd.
 He leads and he follows me. 
I can feel the tears burning me.
 They rush out from behnd my past. 
I cannot think straight. 
 when I'm upset like this.
 my mind doesn't seem to forget 
how to crash my head till I'm stuck looking at my feet. 
 You God always know when to save me.
 You parent me.  
You are always there to catch me. 
and you make sure that I'm safe.
 Thank you for not giving up on me. 
I'm sure you must have something else 
that you'd want to do. 
Cause you must spend all your time on me 
 it feels like I'm alwys in need. 
The pain anymore is to much.
 I do not know how strong you are God. 
But you take all the pain away from me. 
I am grateful. So thank you.



Command

I'm lost inside my own thoughts again. 
Comen to even inside
I cannot believe that you know who I am.
I'd expect you to turn away.
I'm not going to stand up and act like I'm important.
I still have nothing to say.
I just wanted you to know.
That whatever my loss or my pain,
I won't deny your command.
I'm honored and
I'm not ashamed.
I guess I do not 
have to tell you God
What the world has done to me.
Well you give me strength.
And I manage to get through everyday
even when my bones are to weak to stand on their own.
Cause time flies by and here I am...
another day has come and gone.



Cocoon

Father forgive me as I bow my head tonight. 
The weight of the world has incubated itself upon my shoulders.
I cannot bare it much longer.
My back feels like a rusted brass stairwell.
I don't think I could bend down to pray even if I wanted. 
So I'll just bow my head as I stand in my corner. 
My head must feel like a hammer as it 
crashes into the palms of your hands heavenly father.
I am sorry God.
God I am so sorry.
I am so alone and I'm all out of time.
I'm all out of strength.
I cannot do this on my own.
Not anymore.
It takes so much...
to not give up.
I do not know that it would matter.
But you make me feel safe as you cocoon me like a child.
You heal what the world has done to me.
You stay by my side until this pain subsides.
Don't leave me now.
I am afraid.
Well father,
The world has closed her ears...
and the world only punishes me for her own guilt.
I've become a target to anyone who needs a fresh start.
I've fallen out of unopened windows by the hands of the blind.
They have no idea what kind of door that they are opening to themselves.
Well, my Lord, I am cornered in an oubliet until I agree to .
No one wants to hear my protest.
Because no wants to open their eyes to what this is.
So please father, hear my silent prayer.
This room feels like a witch trial.
and no one will lead me through this.
Father you are my oxygen.
I have no room in my head for me.
No room for time.
I wear myself out.
You father are my only release.
You are the only strength that I find to breathe.
I lose sight of the point to try.
You make me feel alive.
I do not know how to thank you enough.
Cause I'm nothing.
Life orphaned me.
I have no where to put all my rage.
You father are my freedom.


The Burning Heavens

The sky lights up mermaid and sapphire velvet. 
When its not the color of brains and cordoroy. 
a sea of navy opening its eyes at the flutter of wings.
 The storms they rage wakes the old man from his dream.
 The old man's groan. 
The thunder drum in the sky.
 He rolls onto the chamber floor 
as the nights symphany echoes through the sky. 
His fingers stain the pallet as he finger paints the turquoise night. 
Mother can hear the sound.
 Innocence is a child. 
Something will drown out the child's cry. 
Mother forgive them.
 Mother forgive me. 
They've made us all a bastard. 
They have desecrated your sight. 
I cannot hide my pain in glass bottles. 
The bottle does not offer forgiveness 
and the lid will not contain secrets 
We are all held by chance
and mother, none of us are children anymore.



The God Of Jesse

The pain slithers down the back of my head
and the pain tingles my spin.
I feel like a puppet in it's embrace.
I'm stained and I'm curling up on the inside.
I could not feel more helpless and alone.
I do not have directions to where I have fallen to.
But God finds me.
I'm surprised that his hands could untangle this web.
But I feel so free that I could fly.
I feel alive and I feel free.
Then the strangers come back and I know this will not end well.
I can feel the destitute hopless fear seep in from behind yesterday. 
And God never sleeps
 and I'm blessed be a child of God. 
Because he never makes me an orpan 
when I'm pushed through this vain insanity. 
I love God and 
there is no one like the God of Jacob.



Paper Airplane instructions

The paper dolls are blind folded and they are handed remotes controls.
The paper dolls are fed lies before they are pushed into a mine field.
The tiny dolls will now control everyone else.
They have no clue at all.
The paper dolls raise their hands to the sky like kites.
Lets all go fly a fucking kite.
and they smile into the sun.
Now hush little smile.
Don't let mommy hear you cry.
Those whoosey sounds are paper airplanes.
Spin around and dance.
Please push your remote buttons.
The motors sizzle as they fall from the sky to land in the hands of the prey.
The tiny folded people wave their hands to the sky.
They can't wait for the gift that the sky has to offer.
Bombs fall into their hands.
as the ground reaches up to grab them as they blow up.
Like watching a child's game of tug-a-war.



Window Faucet

The view in her mind only showcased a store room display window.
Everything within reach, is only on a shelf.
Just above your head.
A cat went into a garden to buffet upon a bird bath.
The devil sat in his high chair
The devil keeps laxitives and butterscotch in his purse.
The devil keeps his remote in front of his store.
Pushing all the buttons all at once.
Complete chaos. 
And the devil laughed as he watched all the smiles fall upside down.
Memories stain the face and leave the pallet in direct lines and scars
The mind is a leaky faucet.
Paranoia is the drip that runs to the outlet on the wall.
And the window is dead bolted and the window is wide open.
Time falls backwards and time has eclipsed.
Shadow puppets fill his head.
He waits until they have just enough rope to move around.
Then he strangles the puppets with their own ropes.
Only to watch them die by their own hands.
It is not suicide here.
It is  the seventh level of hell.
and everything is played through his death watch projector.
He loves his toys.
chaos and pills for all the good lil boys.




Rites at your finger tips

You've got everyone elses rites at your finer prints.
You'll leave a trail and it'll lead you all off your own cliff.
It is bad enough that you see nothing wrong with screwing up 
your own life, but now you're screwing up everyone else's life
along with your own.  Thats okay, it wont take you long
You'll have a new excuse in less time then it took you
to push everyone else's buttons.
I'm not allowed to embarass everyone tongiht by letting them know how much they have belittled me or how they make me feel molded and sick. That would only give them an excuse to blame me for their faults and their insecurities. They'd tell me I need self esteem.  That I don't know what it takes to make you happy. I'm sure I'll never know cause all you is remind me of what a mistake I am.


The Celebrity Charity,

Plastic wooden wheel, smoke screen puppet show. Easy after party favors. Taxidermy pockets bested and bestowed upon the people of the church.  They smile through blind eyes as they thank the church.

Secret
It is under my own eyelids mother.
Father drinks it all away.
I can feel it just under my skin.
I just can't do anything about it.
It's rebirth will awake me in time.
I fear something that I cannot remember.
I can't wake up.
I can't sleep.
It hurts.
My throat is locked up in the past.
I know I'm screaming inside.
I can feel it but noting comes out of me when I open my eyes.
It will burn my corner and when its done with me. 
The wind will cradle my ashes away.
And I will be what it wants me to be.
The secret of agony and the 
forgotten reminder of their mistakes.
Does it feel like this?
Do you even know?
Like the air you need just to breathe.
Taken and held over your head.
You can see it.
but they'll never let you have it.
My rights -
The justice that I deserve...
is held under my own nose.
As I am binded and blind folded.
And you so delicate and cherished.
You do not even understand how to want it.
Cause you do not want anything that I could have.
I'm a reason to forget.
I'm out of place and I do ot know how off key 
that I sound cause I keep singing.
How pathetic how much you need me to shut up. 
So you can cover up the freedom that you stole.


White Butterfly-

It is nothing to the naked eye. 
It is a moment that is past the point.
I'm the only one who cares because its too late.
It is just white noise.
Everyone is still waking.
They have not come to yet.
And you have no idea yet that you have no rights here. 
And I just fly away. I curl back.
I wish I felt as safe as I did when I was in my cocoon.
But that home is lost to me.
I'm pulling at my own walls, and 
I'm screaming from the inside of myself.
I'm alone here. 
I'm crawling on the floor.
This rage heats my back.
I just lay there.
I need to get off of the floor.
but I can't move on.
Something burst from my back.
Its not my pain.
There are no pretty feathers.
Powder and storms to the touch.
The pieces that morph from me 
look just like stained glass windows.
Eyes to the door knobs of my soul.
and you'd think that you 'd had enough.
But there you go taring the wings off of butterflies.
Who gave you the right to play god?
I have nothing left.
I'd swear that I would fly away.
But then your ground breaks my fall.
and I'm on the floor again.
My tears cloud my view.
They melt what you've done into a soupy mess on my pillow.
Before I can stop them.
My eyelashes take flight.
I fly away to anywhere but here. There is no reality when
 I get away from this.


Red Balloon

The burning sky is sheading crimson lies.
The sky makes table tops of the innocents foreheads. Ash wednesday table cloth. Satanism forced upon the weak.

Death is Violet
That jester is whispering children's lullabies.
Something has your hands behind your back.
Something is waking.
Somebodies hands are to blame.
And it is not me.
Death is a cold blooded mother tonight.
Mother forgive the bastard that I've become.
Cause you scold violence and you wind it's gears 
with the same hand job.
Death is painted gold tonight.
Illuminating the sea in the sky.
Death is marching and ready.
Death has taken flight.
And Death is on it's way.


Night
Night sat down to pay me a visit.
My unkind undertaker.
My intentions run short.
And it is mine alone.
This pain I bare.
No one can speak of this.
Night's arms are locked doors.
My windows are blind tonight.










Helium

      Dearest Mother,

It haunts me only at night mother.  I was praying the night that I shot myself in the head. I want you to know that I did not give up hope.  Not until the very end.  But mother you were not there and I am a grown man.  The pain...  The pain was too much.  I couldn't hold the bottle any longer.  My wrist gave out.  All I had was my trigger finger.  I gave into the want.  Now I am free.  I love you.
Yours even in death,

Tellous Aaron Buyermaz


There is a man standing in a window.  He is over looking the view that over looks his front yard.  When he looks outside there are children without faces flying kites in his front yard.  The childrens hands are webbed together like they are not fully formed.  The children have fetus features to their bodies.
That is when Kyle realized that he was the old man that was looking out of the window. Kyle turned back into himself.  He found himself walking toward the door.  It was a bedroom. It must be. Because the door led out into a hallway. He felt so controled. In any normal situation this would not happen. What was this?  It did not occure. It was beyond him. This must be around the time of day that he would be getting off work. If it was a weekend, then why was he home. This was super bowl weekend. He had five friends and their wives who were having a party down at the pub. Nothing was adding up. This house is not mine.  What is this?
Kyle walked down a hallway in an older home. The wall paper was tacky and funny at the same time. It was something that his wife Susan would point out to him. Not that Susan would want bad wall paper from the 1950's that looked like an eye sore to where's waldo.  No Susan was into antiques and fashion. Everything from art to interior design. Then kyle noticed the door at the end of the hallway. It was slightly opened. He walked toward it  in a trans state of mind. 
When Kyle got into the room, there was an old baby crib. It was clearly older then the nineteen fifties. It was an antique. This must be a joke. That or he'd wake up in no time at all. That is when he saw the photo album and the old rottery dial phone. This house or the people who lived in it were at least from this century if they had a working phone.  Without thinking he opened the photo album. It was filled with vintage photos. Just not antique.  Then he saw the birth certificate.  There was something wrong about this. It felt like an under taste. Something in this house. Maybe not the house but Kyle could not put his finger on it. 
Sometimes when you are eating and someone is watching you. You get a sixth sense to you. It is like you know that someone is near. Even if they are in your blind spot.  Kyle had a sinking feeling that he was being watched. To the point of the air in the room being so thick that he could almost feel someone touching him.  Turning slightly to his left, Kyle looked over his shoulder.  That is when he saw the small child.  The child's features were not fully formed.  It was a ten year old version of a fetus.  Kyle gulped in a throat full of air and he almost choaked on his own spit.
"Oh, my... mmmuuuummm I am so sorry.  Do you live here? I ... I can go.  I swear, I just walked in. I did not take anything."
The child was holding a red balloon that was tied to a string.  The balloon was floating. It must have been filled with Helium. 
The child made a sound that sounded like a cry.  Then Kyle realized that the hissing cry shreaking sound had come from the balloon.  The Balloon was leaking air slowly. Kyle looked up and there was an old woman standing on the ceiling. So she was upside down to the point that she could hold the balloon. That is when Kyle woke up from his nightmare.
Susan was sleeping soundly in bed. Kyles side of the bed was soaked in cold sweat. He got up without waking his wife.  He moved to the hallway bathroom and he pissed a river.  Then he headed to the kitchen. He opened the shelf door and he pulled out a juice glass. He just needed a sip of something. His throat was so dry. It felt like he had been screaming all night long. That sounded silly. If he had been yelling, surely Susan would have awoken to the sound.
The juice glass had a cartoon character on it.  Kyle filled it half full of tap water and then when he was done drinking, he headed back to bed. Once in the  bedroom, Kyle noticed that it was one hour before he was to wake up anyway. No sense in going back to bed for an hour. It would probably take that long to fall back asleep. 
Kyle took a shower and he got ready for work. Then he left early with the newspaper in hand.  He stopped at a coffee shop on the way to work for breakfast. He had time to enjoy his paper with his coffee and muffin.
When he got to his office, he had a meeting. He stopped in his office for his files... When Kyle entered the room the meeting was to take place in, there was a smell to the air.  It was faint and had just the slightest hint of gas.  But it was not gas. What was that smell? When the suits came into the room, Kyle began talking. As he looked up everyone had red balloons as heads on their shoulders.
That is when Kyle woke up for the second time. He sat up in bed and before he could turn to look at the clock his alarm clock went off and scared the shit out of him. It was loud and he was not thinking to expect it.
Once the morning events had ran their course, Kyle got into his car and he turned on the radio. The radio station was set to a late 1960's early 1970's music station. The song of choice for the ride to work was "STRANGE DAYS" by The Doors.  It had the best sound to it. When Kyle got to work, everything went back to normal. Life was there to move forward and not into the Twilight Zone.
Five O'Clock came as fast as the day flew by.  Kyle worked at an accounting firm. His job was to reformat what the company could do to help clients over see wasted cost and to help them make more out of their own dollar. His job