En Ver Spillin Instrument by Jessica Singleton
Fear of rape is only a memory of what I cannot control to hate.
You sound so interested in my pain,
the way you force it out of me.
I cannot control the way this makes me feel violated just by
knowing that these feelings never disappear.
It is like I live through it over and over.
Even when no one ask
it's shadow is lurking over me.
I keep rubbing my hands off on my shirt.
I keep trying to wash it away.
I want to feel clean.
I feel touched and gripped constantly.
Like this feeling will never go away.
A song on repeat.
A day passed by that I cannot get back again.
I've said it before.
I'll say it again.
You're not a woman until you have been raped by the hands of society.
I am not me when I'm inside of this hallway.
I lose track of time.
But when it subsides and I can run away, then I slowly get back to me.
You do not want to feel rejected.
I cannot say yes.
So you'll just excuse me away with the notion that I am two sided.
Like a bad temper from a spoiled child.
I will not apologize to you for your mistakes.
I should warn you that if you keep pushing me,
If I do not die this time.
If I do not let go
then I am going to have enough proof to finally put you away.
Then you can be caged beside the worst of pain.
Then you'll wake to the sounds of others telling you what to do.
Don't act like you know.
Don't say that it will never happen again like it was just a mistake.
You know.
AND YOU do.
No one raped you.
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